Thursday | August 14, 2008
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." and Other Things I've Learned From and About Heartbreak
The above is a quote by Dr. Theodor Seuss Geisel, which a friend recently posted and which I loved enough to repost here.
It's true. So true.
For the last week and a half I've been doing everything I can to help a friend recover from very recent heartbreak. In doing so, in having done so with a whole bunch of friends, actually, and in having been there twice myself, I'm finally realizing that there can be positive things that come out of pain. Since I know it's a subject that affects just about everyone at some point or another, I thought I'd share a few things that I think make it easier to get on one's feet after a split.
People handle things differently, I know, so I don't mean the following in any sort of always or never sort of context. I would just love to know that someone I care about has benefited from the lessons I've learned. I see these as cardinal guidelines that are quite helpful when they're followed. So if you're out there in pain, dear reader, I sincerely hope that this helps:
1. When it's time to get over someone, get away from them and let yourself get over them. It's one thing if you just dated the person for a month or so and there isn't any residual pain around the split... fine, then, be friends. I got most of my guy friends this way. But if you're in love with the person, don't try to be friends with them. "But our friendship was the best thing we had!" Yes, I know. That's the hardest part. Maybe there will come some later time that the two of you can be friends, perhaps after you're in love with someone else or have otherwise moved on with your life. Someday when you no longer feel in love with the person, when you have absolutely no desire to be with them, and you couldn't care less whether they're with someone else, meet them for coffee or a drink. Unfortunately, foresight is almost totally blind. It might take years for that to happen. The day might never come at all. If you feel like you've lost someone particularly special, I think it's fine to keep in touch here and there with quick phone calls or emails, but keep them brief and superficial.
2. One point in Eat, Pray, Love, "don't make your life a monument to your ex." In fact, go out of your way to banish thoughts of the other person. Take down the pictures and put them away where you won't accidentally run across them. At the same time, though, don't bash. Have compassion. Be understanding. I really believe that the simple psychological truth is that the most important thing our significant others do is to force us to look in the mirror. Start looking inside of yourself. Work there. You have no control over anything else, anyway.
If you really love another person, then you love them unconditionally. Love them regardless of what they're doing or whether or not they're meeting your needs. Give them space and love them no matter what. Love them even if you're never going to see them again.
3. When something significant ends, spend plenty of time alone, getting over it. Don't be a serial relationship partner... don't rush right into something new. Yeah, yeah, yeah. "The fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else" is another great quote from Eat, Pray, Love - you'll probably see me quoting it a lot from now on. It's true. So go ahead. Get under someone. Just don't make more of it than you're capable of making or of really showing up for.
There are differing opinions on how long people need to take between relationships. In numerous places, I've read that it's wise to plan for half as much time as you spent in the relationship, and that seems to me like a good place to start. I've talked to a psychologist whose opinion I trust more than almost anyone's, and she sees that as a bare minimum. In fact, she's ventured to tell me that in terms of long-term fulfillment, the mean time what you do with it is more important than the time spent in the actual relationship itself... that it might be some of the loneliest, most depressed times of your life, but the truth is, it's also a time that can be rich with irreplaceable self discovery that could never take place when you're deeply involved with another person. It is vital. Without it you're dooming any potential new relationship from the very start. You're clouded by your past and you're not able or available to love someone else. The truth is, you are burying your pain deeper, where it'll later crop up as, ironically, both difficult to address and impossible to ignore. You're wasting your own valuable recovery time. Don't move backwards. Don't be afraid to be alone with yourself. If you can't be alone with you, how can you expect someone else to be alone with you?
4. When you are ready to choose again, be choosy! From what I can tell, people choose partners for different reasons. I think it's wise to use past experiences as refinement to help you choose more wisely next time. For example, if you're a person who wants intimacy and commitment, start learning how to choose people who want, and are ready for, intimacy and commitment. If you're a man who needs a break from commitment and you just want to have some fun and take some mellow time before settling down, be careful about involving yourself with a woman who is upon the second snooze slam of her biological clock.
Simply put, to make things easier on yourself the next time around, learn the red flags that tell you that prospective partners aren't ready or are, simply put, just looking for something different than you're looking for.
5. Don't allow yourself to become accustomed to falling apart. I see emotions as very separate from thought and, therefore, I'm pretty sure they can't be controlled by thought. So especially in the beginning, I think it's indispensably important to feel the pain that exists around the reality of losing that other person. It's sad. Sometimes it's tortuous. So feel it. Every now and then, go ahead and cry. But then start being careful about it. Chin up and smile even if you feel like hell. You know what? Just the smile, alone will start to change your mood. I promise. Try it.
I once heard it described in this way: When you crumple up a piece of paper, it creates creases in the paper. If you flatten the sheet out completely and crumple it up again, it'll fold on the same lines as the first time. Continually flattening and crumpling the paper will only reinforce those lines. "What's your fold?" is a question I've asked a handful of people not long after meeting them. Mine has been sadness. Depending on the circumstances, I can go there pretty quickly. I can also decide not to go there, and I think that's healthier.
I want my new fold to be happiness. Joy. Giddy laughter.
6. Decide to be happy, no matter what. Forget external circumstances. They don't really matter. Fake it 'til you make it. Throw yourself into activities that make you happy. My picks have been spending time with as many old and new friends as I can think of, writing, reading a bunch of books, traveling (I've taken one trip and I'm planning three others for the very near future), and the really big one, exercise... running and Yoga, mainly. I've been doing a whole bunch of both for months now and as a result I'm eating more healthily, drinking less, I feel awesome, and I'm in better shape than I've ever been in my life. I also feel really sexy. All things I'll be glad about the next time I find myself excited about someone new!
7. Remember that you will get over this. You will love someone again. Your capacity for love has been increased by loving this person who you've lost. Five minutes before you met, you didn't know that the two of you were going to meet, and maybe this very moment is five minutes before you'll meet someone ten times more appropriate for you. You're young. You're beautiful. You have so much to offer. You will have this chance again, and it might be more wonderful than you could ever have possibly imagined.
Chin up. Let a little sunshine in. This will all be a distant memory in no time, and all will be well again in your world.
Filed Under: Counting My Blessings , Dating & Relationships
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